I am a man. I came from a man. I have been around many men. I read books about men. Occasionally I have the opportunity to directly disciple men. And now that I have a son I have the great responsibility of teaching him to be a man. One may say masculinity swirls into and out of every aspect of my life. So this question of “What is masculinity?” and “How does one attain it?” does not strike me as foreign. It hits home to many of the philosophical and practical questions I encounter on a daily basis. I don’t think, though, I’m unique in this experience. Most men I meet wrestle with the same questions, learning anew each day what it means to be a man, what it means to be masculine, what frauds and fakes are placed before us to adopt, and what pathways we’ve taken that have led us away from biblical masculinity. In truth, the metaphysical dynamic of this precludes any escape route from the issue. The same is true with women. But I am not a woman, and so my inner-dealings are better suited for this question of masculinity than the question of femininity.
Chesterton convinced me long ago that at the center of all great things is a paradox, because at the center of all great things is the cross. And at the center of the cross is a paradox. Christianity is riddled with paradoxes, as is Scripture, and so we should not avoid looking closer at the paradoxes involved in the teaching and manifestation of biblical masculinity. And for this brief exercise, what better book to consider than the book of Proverbs?
The Book of Proverbs is one of the most masculine-defining books in Scripture. It is wisdom from a father to a son on how to be a man, a man who redeems the likeness of Yahweh in himself, his people, and all he handles. It is the wisdom of God for the realm of man, that wisdom finally being fully present in the God-man, Jesus Christ. And it is in Proverbs we find most squarely communicated to us that to be a man means to live in blessed paradox. To be masculine is to be unexpected, strange, apparently absurd but altogether true. If we look only at the first chapter of Proverbs, the paradoxes concerning masculinity are startling yet invigorating.
Paradox one: True masculinity is made by not seeking to be self-made. “A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.” (Pr. 1:5) This is quite the contrast to what we may find in the manosphere, the advice given to contemporary males on how to increase one’s masculinity or skyrocket one’s stock in manhood. This is not the argument that a man ought to pull himself by his bootstraps; this is coming from the opposite angle. Scripture turns conventional wisdom on its head. If you want to be a wise man, avoid being a self-made man.
Paradox two: True masculinity will gain knowledge by fearing God. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Pr. 1:7) Rather often, in going with the theme of being a self-made man, knowledge gained puffs up, because it is a knowledge driven by self- centeredness. It is a knowledge driven by personal empowerment. But this is not the starting point for biblical masculinity regarding knowledge. If you want to be a knowledgeable man, fear God.
Paradox three: True masculinity will mature beyond the house by honoring father and mother. “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother. For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck.” (Pr. 1:8-9) A boy, around the age of ten, becomes keenly aware of his parents’ tether, particularly that of his mother. At least a handful of times a year I speak with mothers who just cannot seem to figure out the sudden and explosive breaking forth of their sons. And so because this is quite natural and even good, the world, with its half truths, hijacks nature’s wings and turns them into weapons. Young men are then taught to despise their father and mother, to mock the antiquated advice of their father and mother, and to develop that mockery until they are fully out from under their thumbs. But Scripture reverses the script. If you want to be a decorated man, lose not your parents’ binding words.
Paradox four: True masculinity is decisive because it does not give fools consent. “My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not.” (Pr. 1:10) Falling in line with the previous theme of masculine independence, a young man wishing to express his masculinity will not only do so at the expense of honoring his father and mother, he will do so at the expense of his own will. That is to say, in trying to prove his complete and decisive freedom from the oppression of his parents, he will submit himself with a yes and a sure and a cool, yeah to the bondage of his own sin or the sins of fools. But then we hear Solomon. If you want to be a decision-maker, consent not.
Paradox five: True masculinity gains strength by honoring the innocent. “If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause.” (Pr. 1:11) There is not a man out there who has not experienced the man who tries to make himself bigger, stronger, richer by putting another man down. It happens on the athletic field. It happens in the classroom. It happens in the board room. It happens in the church pew. It is the monster-truck mentality of masculinity. A man will attempt to prove his strength and dominance by overtaking others, often times the innocent. Insecure fathers do this to their children; ignorant teachers do this to their students. And here David is to learn something far different about masculine strength, especially the kind which is to sit upon the throne: if you want to be strong, show self-restraint toward the innocent.
Paradox six: True masculinity will gather friends by gathering enemies. “My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path.” (Pr. 1:15) When a man crushes his neighbor, he does so in the sight of others; it is rarely the case otherwise. This was one of the first lessons in the history of psychology, found in St. Augustine’s Confessions. “But my pleasure was not in the pears; it was in the crime itself, done in association with a sinful group.” (Conf. II.viii.16) Augustine sought a pseudo-masculinity: gathering friends by acting in such a way that prevented them from becoming enemies. But Augustine became wise, in Christ. If you want to be a beloved man, prepare to be hated by the fool.
Paradox seven: True masculinity seeks gains by losing. “So are the ways of every one that is greedy for gain; which taketh away the life of the owners thereof.” (Pr. 1:19) “Loser” is one of the worst names a boy can be called. Call him most anything else and he can ignore it. But call him a loser and he will be bound and determined to prove you wrong. Losing does not appear strong. Losing does not appear capable. Losing, by definition, is not winning. And what is a man becoming if he is not winning? He is becoming a loser. And yet Proverbs speaks to our folly. If you want to be a gainful man, give and lose your life for wisdom’s sake.
Paradox eight: True masculinity is made wise by accepting reproof. “Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you.” (Pr. 1:23) In the manosphere, we do the correcting. We do the criticizing and teaching. And if anyone turns the table, we will compete to gain it back aright. And so in the manosphere, we become fools, spirit-less chirpers. If you want to be a wise man, love reproof.
Paradox nine: True masculinity can laugh because it is reproved. “I will also laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh.” (Pr. 1:26) There is a theology of laughter throughout Scripture which we ought to understand better, for in it are lessons of life and health and peace. And here is such a verse. The man who turns from wisdom, who will not take reproof, will hear laughter, but it will be in the midst of his calamity. The fear he neglected to give to God is now wholly secular and fills his heart and mind. All the while wisdom laughs at his despair. He will not be a man who laughs; fear has overtaken him. Wisdom laughs in his stead. If you want to be a laughing man, love reproof.
Paradox ten: True masculinity is protected by vulnerability. “But whose hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil.” (Pr. 1: 33) What does it mean for a man to hearken? To hearken means to hear, attend to, to give oneself in submission to the other, if only for a brief moment of consideration. “Hark, the herald, angels sing,” the song begins. Attend unto the message. Get out of your own head, submit yourself to the other, come out from your self-made ramparts of knowledge and conceit, and hearken unto wisdom. Your man-made walls are not strong enough. If you want to be a man who is protected, be vulnerable.
Now we ought not take the above paradoxes as modern license to steamroll masculinity. Quite the opposite, as you should suspect by now. The above paradoxes are not a clarion call for more pacifists in the church. The church does not need doormat men. The above paradoxes say nothing whatsoever about specific strategy. But if it did, we perhaps may say that the strategy is one which closely mimics our Lord. It is a masculine strategy of restraint and release, in the right way and at the right time. It is one which identifies the times to speak and the times to be silent, the times to weep and the times to dance, the times to laugh and the times to mourn. The above paradoxes are about placing divine wisdom, and nothing else, at the base of our built masculinity. I’ll leave it up to others to answer the questions about what form that wisdom should take and when.
There are thirty more chapters to Proverbs, all with rich paradoxes concerning masculinity, many of which reiterate the same principles found in chapter one. And so what is the chief paradox to be gleaned here concerning man? By what ultimate standard do we judge the advice given to men on masculinity, whether from the manosphere or elsewhere? What is that single maxim of the paradox of masculinity to which these all point? It is this: true masculinity is formed from a most un-manly place, God, eternally three in one, uncreated. If we want to be masculine, we must work diligently at being less like men and more like God. We may train a dog to stand on his hind legs and wear a frock coat to act more like a man, but we cannot train a man to get on all fours and wear a collar to act more like a dog, for the moment he bows, especially with a collar, he has become more of a man, we may even say more than a man, closer to the dirt, his origin and his end, closer to looking like a son of Adam, a priest in the order of Melchizedek, who ought to find prostration a necessary, and ironically comfortable, position. There is no place a man is more masculine than on his knees before God, for there is no place a man is less inclined to be a man than in the presence of God. It is there he loses all thought of being more of a man, for his desire is to be more like God. There was no place Christ was closer to man than at the cross, where he took the sins of the whole world upon his shoulders; and there was no place Christ was least like man than at the cross, where he was acting most like God. Therefore, it is with great joy we conclude that the pathway to masculinity leads not to man but to God. Masculinity then is as we should expect: a gift of God, given by grace, God giving more of himself to men, to make us less like men.
Brian Daigle is the author of numerous books on literature, education, culture, and healthcare. He is presently an executive with Artifex Healthcare and a doctoral candidate in Health Administration. Brian is director of St. Basil Publishing, and chief operating officer at The Society for Healthcare Culture and Values.